Log in

No account? Create an account
Biked to Newport: Rainy, hilly, boring. Bike path: tired, overdone. Portsmouth and Middletown suck. Newport: broke a spoke, lost chain twice. Ocean Drive > Bellevue.

Biked to Boston: Hot. Directions sucked. Branch St. under construction. Wind up on US-1 in Attleboro. Shit, yo. Then back to RI for Cumberland, then in Wrentham, MA. Then Franklin. Shitty Italian restaurant with Chinese waitress. Flat tire. Directions suck again, give up and head north, then east, on convenient highways. Wellesley; memories. Split-->16 E to Commonwealth Ave. Give up, bike down hill to T, find self in Boston, bike faster than T, cross Mass Ave to Cambridge. Train back-->drunk-->5 AM?

Great-grandmother died. Sad face.
Adventures on I-95
Long Island vs. New Jersey?
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
06 March 2006 @ 03:29 am
Why am I so bad at college?
This week is going to be hellish. I have a problem set due Tuesday, a gi-normous lab report due Wednesday (the point of the exercise was to figure out how much carbon is stored on the Main Green; execution involved measuring the girth of trees with tape measures at 9 PM one bitterly cold evening), a paper due Thursday and an exam on Friday, on group theory and some other random-ass chemistry shit. Compounding this I have rehearsals for Hair until 11ish Monday and Wednesday, lab until 10 Tuesday and then the opening of the show on Thursday. But I complain.
I feel like I haven't learned very much this semester and that depresses me greatly. Funny; I'm taking five classes yet have had very little work. I need to take better classes.
I wish I were an English or history major. Linguistics seems so esoteric and useless, chemistry so stolid and unfriendly and environmental science so ...wishy-washy. What am I going to declare? Gaah.
Come see Hair; it's showing this weekend and next. The director kind of sucks but the lighting is very trippy and the music isn't too bad. I really like being in pit orchestras, even though I hate working with actors. I think I am going to quit Wind Symphony and just stick to mariachi band and pit orchestras.
Socially, my life at Brown sucks. It just seems that all of my interactions are so forced and shallow.
What am I doing for spring break? I was going to take a road trip with Meredith but she lamed out and now I'm on my own. I want to find a cheap flight to anywhere I haven't been before, but you can't really search for fares this way online. I just want some time to think about things.
I just need to get through the next week, maybe the week after that.
I'm not even going to proof-read this entry because, well, I don't care.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Songs from Hair stuck in my head.
23 March 2005 @ 02:20 am
So after my prescription changed over break, I finally got my new pair of glasses (the lab broke the frames whilst changing the lenses, then my dad wasn't sure what to do and so I told him to just choose any frame). They lasted about two weeks before they fell off my face and someone stepped on them. So then I sent them back to my dad to take care of the problem again. I've been wearing contacts for the past month or so, something I hate to do (and also shouldn't do; my eyes are really sensitive).

Anyway. Last night I was cleaning my room trying to find a little tiny pin (a long story that will eventually be explained, or might not be, as I seem to always promise to explain further and then never get around to making good on these promises), I found an empty glasses case. Or it seemed to be empty. There were two lenses in there labelled "Patient's Lenses." Hmm. I put them up against my eyes. They seemed to correct for something, so I figured they might have been my old lenses (it's possible that they returned them to my dad). I proceeded to make "frames" out of duct tape. They look horribly silly, but, damn it, I'm sick of wearing contacts. I am so amused by these glasses. Of course, they need work; I need to make them more stable (right now they're somewhere between goggles and glasses).

I wore the "glasses" to my volunteer job (I go with a group to teach science to fifth graders). They kept laughing at me, and suddenly I remembered why I hated having glasses in third grade. Whatever. (I wasn't bothered by their teasing, but, damn, they're annoying little shits.) On an unrelated tangent, the school is in the strangest area ever--it's in a neighborhood with these beautiful old houses, only many of them are run down (it's a very seedy neighborhood now but looks like it was once a nice area). Across the street from the school (which is in a building that was probably once a mansion; it doesn't look like it was intended to be a school) is the Providence chapter of Hell's Angels (and a house with a sign that says "Providence Pit Bull Territory"). And, then, as we were leaving, we spotted a random castle about two blocks away. A castle. Unmarked by any signs except "Caution: Falling Debris."

This entry needs to be supplemented by pictures. Eventually.

Back to (not) studying orgo.
Current Mood: blahblah
02 February 2005 @ 03:45 am
Yesterday and today have been awesome in the way that only severe sleep deprivation seems to bring about. In spite of having two days of classes, it has felt more like the weekend than my weekend felt. These are both due mostly to Susan's visiting Brown, which was supremely awesome. It was so nice to see her for a change--I can't remember the last time I did see her (I'm thinking last August, as in, August 2003 [was that August? I think it was October, but I seem to remember seeing a "School is Starting" sign near Madison Junior High] when Susan, Mirat and I met in Madison and wandered around and ate ice cream in the parking lot of Friendly's and pilfered a pinwheel that was shaped like a ladybug and put it in Mirat's car--it can't have been that long, can it?).

YesterdayCollapse )

This morning I had Personality, which looks like it will be awesome. However, and most unfortunately, the professor has a very ...soothing voice. I was out. I have maybe three sentences' worth of incoherent notes. Shitfuck. Oh well. I'm adding it and dropping Econ, and now I finally have a finalized schedule of what I hope will be good classes (after all the effort I put into shopping thirteen different classes) and I can stop worrying about choosing courses and just get onto doing the coursework. Which is already piling up and... gaah. Math wasn't half as bad; I was awake for more of it, though I told Alison to wake me if I dozed off, and then she fell asleep. She also got confused and started poking Josh, who was sitting on her right, instead of me on her left. I don't think he was amused.

Susan and Ben were waiting outside of the math classroom, and so we went in search of (Big) Alice's Ice Cream. We found it, as I'd expected, closed. (I posted on the dailyjolt forum about this: Alice's Restaurant MassacreeCollapse )
We also got Portuguese sweet bread, which is simply amazing. I have even added it to my interests list, because, well, it's amazing. Kind of dry, but still, very good. My roommate described its appearance as "a cupcake on steroids."

So then Jimmy and I guided/escorted Susan to the bus station (which was fraught with its usual array of colorful characters) and, after bidding her adieu, got slurpies (slurpees?) at the 7-11. I then had a massive lunch and promptly went to bed, waking up around 7:30, in time to find out I didn't have to be at orchestra until 9, go and get ...dinner and speak to my family (Danielle took the opportunity to rope me into buying Girl Scout cookies--why do I seem to remember discussing Girl Scout cookies yesterday or some time in the recent past?). Orchestra was pretty dull; I only play the fourth movement of the last piece, and only like twenty rehearsal numbers (of the total of fifty-four). So, needless to say, I sat there a lot. Kind of depressing; I wish I were better at the oboe. I don't even really know why I do orchestra still... I feel like I've lost my passion for pursuing musical activities, because, unless you're very good at any instrument, there aren't many options (excepting the Brown Band, which is a musical group for non-musicians).

And so I was intent on starting my work when I decided to go to Jo's to get some coffee. This accomplished, I ran into Tucker on my way back to the dorm, and I ended up talking to him for much longer than I meant to, because then I ended up following him back to his dorm, and by dorm I mean frat house, where I ended up spending too much time talking to Tucker and people I didn't really know. Tucker and his friend (whose name escapes me) were discussing the merits of hot tubs and steam showers, neither of which I have ever used. Somehow the topic changed to Jersey, and then I could participate. Oddly enough, Tucker likes New Jersey in "small doses" but hates New York (the city, not the state). I don't understand. I have to steer clear of Tucker, though, lest I end up joining a frat. I may have sold out to some things but I will never sell out to frats.

Then I meant to make progress on German but instead my roommate and I made fun of posts on the dailyjolt's forum. He managed to change a thread about Black History month into a discussion about Jews.

Anyway. Prompted partially by my discussion with Susan and partially by my own frustrations with choosing courses, I was thinking about things I would potentially end up studying, etc. Spending time with Ben always makes me feel very inferior. It's sort of silly, but he's so scientific, even down to wording sentences. Ben makes me feel like there is nothing to study but science, and I don't know if that's something he actively means to do, or just my own way of misconstruing everything. I don't know... I really dislike physics. We'll start with that. I'm not terribly fond of math, either, though so far I like chemistry, I guess. I miss biology; I will take Genetics next fall, I think. I probably should have taken Neuro this fall, but I was a bit turned away by the horrible Neurobiology class at Governor's School and then I wasn't even thinking about possible majors... I don't know. It comes down to this: I really love the humanities. As Susan and I probably discussed, I love the idea of taking a physical reality and describing it visually, verbally and/or musically. Science, on the other hand, would have you take a physical object and describe it chemically, how it relates to other objects in an ecological context and the like... I also feel, however, that on some level, to study the humanities would be more selfish of me. Sure, I could become a great writer well-versed in English literature. But what exactly will this enable you to do, other than write? I don't see myself penning anything more exciting than a livejournal, unfortunately. But that's not to say that studying the sciences would be any different, perhaps. I don't really want to go to medical school; I don't know if I want to do any sort of research (making flavors is not the whimsical career I'd hoped it would be)... I just don't know what there is, what I want to do, etc... I feel like, on some level, I should be interested in research, because I should want to help humanity, but I don't know if I'd ever be able to actually do that, I don't know what I want to study and I feel like I should have some idea.

Additionally, yesterday's discovery of the tunnels and today's venture to the land of Portuguese bakeries (we went to the Silver Star; there should be others) has led me to a new goal: explore the areas beyond College Hill, even. I'm still oblivious--where is the East Side Market? Is that an area or a store? This tunnel needs to be explored. Then we have a whole city to cover. Also, I should find a cool place to hang out.

Alright. It is now almost 5 AM. I have two more of Martin Luther's theses (excerpts from the shit he nailed to that church, yo) to read. Then I have to look up the Tintenfaß. Then--this is great--Orgo in four hours. I might as well stay up, go to my three classes and sleep then.

-Yay Susan!
-Yay exploring!
-Boo Orgo.
Current Mood: tiredtired
28 January 2005 @ 03:04 pm
From now on, excepting this entry, I think I will make EVERYTHING lj-cut, because, um, I care about y'all and your "Friends" pages. Right. You can go on thinking that.

Or perhaps I will make even longer entries and they shall let everything hang out in their un-cut glory. Oh yes. Vielleicht soll ich immer nur auf deutsch schreiben, weil weniger mir verstehen werden.

Which leads to some questions about livejournal etiquette. Is it better to post a few long entries every once in a while, or to post upwards of several entries (of short length) a day? What comprises an interesting livejournal post? Should I post lengthy discussions about my political views or simple statements like "Republicans suck?" Is it better to provide a one-line summary of an entire month, or to detail every moment of every day? Do I write my journal for me to remember, or for others to read? There has to be some ground in between.

Does it not matter anyway--the majority of my livejournal entries (the newer ones, at least) are friends-only, so (in theory) no one will read my livejournal and suddenly think "wow, he's such a deep person" or "wow, he's such an idiot." Instead you'll have your opinion of me and it will be shaped over time--or will it be?

I don't know where I'm going with this post anymore. It's sort of fitting, as I don't seem to ever have any idea where I'm going. Except for when trying to find places; I'm good with directions (usually).

Maybe I lied about the lj cut partCollapse )

Also, I had a blood orange for the first time ever today. I never knew such thing existed. What a novel concept. I think I want to do an independent study involving art and food. If anyone wants to join me, maybe we can make it into a GISP.

HIPPO (h0ttt Idea to Piss People Off) #47: lj-cuts with page-long links, that cut away to only a sentence or so.
Current Mood: weirdweird
27 January 2005 @ 04:44 pm
The past two days have been chock full of shopping period anxieties. Why is it that I'm already stressed out? Choosing courses is just so stressful... and I already have homework, too. On top of that, I'm feeling really, really sick (I went to Health Services earlier; I have sinusitis--basically, a sinus infection--and so now I have some prescription medicine that should, I hope, take care of some of the pain... gaah). Oh and to add to the crappiness, the lab broke my frames when they were putting the new lenses into my glasses. They don't make my old frame anymore, so my dad is going to get me a new pair... I told him the frames had better be damn close to my old frames. I miss them already. And I also really hate having to wear contacts every day; my eyes feel very pained and strained as a result. (In short, I'm sitting here with clogged ears that occasionally pop, irritated, itchy eyes, a stuffed, runny nose, a sore, scratchy throat with more post-nasal drip than I normally have and a low-grade fever. Exciting.)

So anyway. The classes I've shopped. If you don't want to read about my academic anxieties and indecision, I'd suggest you stop reading now.Collapse )

And now it's off to do homework... because I already have a lot... and take some medicine, because I have both headache and sinus headache.

There. Revel in the delight of not having had to have read any of this and admire your pretty "Friends" pages, which now will no longer require excess scrolling. A little bit of lj coding on my part = less finger strain from using the scroll wheel of a mouse/less dragging the scroll bar on yours. Everyone benefits?

Ich hoffe, dass Sie verstehen werden. Ich existiere nur um Ihnen zu bedienen.
Ficken Sie Ihnen ins Knie.
Current Mood: sicksick
03 January 2005 @ 01:42 pm
Bad news: We're getting a dog. As early as later today.
What the fuck?
A dog. Argh.
I hate dogs. I've hated dogs since I was little, when one bit me in the park. Fucking bastard. Invariably, the little ones are too loud. The larger ones are too friendly. I hate things that try to sniff your crotch and slobber all over you. Dogs need to be walked, fed, played with...
We've had our share of hamsters. I even wrote a college essay about the hamsters buried in the backyard and how Hurricane Floyd unearthed many hamster carcasses. Guinea pigs as well. I've always wanted a cat (cats don't give a damn about you, they just occasionally like to be petted and otherwise they're pretty low-maintenance, but my dad's allergic.
Gaah. A dog. My sisters have apparently lobbied hard. I know, though, that they won't take care of it at all.
Anyway. My mother and I have formed the ACA, or "Anti-Canine Alliance." Our mission: to have as little to do with the dog as possible. At least, though, we managed to convince them to get a dog from the pound if they must get a dog (pound dogs would otherwise be euthanized... ideally they would have done the greyhound rescue thing, as those are probably the best dogs around, but my superficial shithead sister "could never love a thing that ugly"--normally I don't mind my sister but I lost a lot of respect for her when she said that). (Semi-related aside: before she was admitted to the Bar and became a lawyer, my aunt ran a chihuahua rescue service. At one point she ended up with fifteen chihuahuas looking for homes... she'd go walking with them and people would point and laugh.)
And I used to pride myself on how unusual my family was. Lately we've been metamorphosing into the average suburban family... 3 kids, an SUV (unthinkable!) and now a dog...

Otherwise 2005 is nothing compared to 2004 so far. I got my hair cut today and I hate it, as usual, but it's not as bad as it was last time. Even so it will be a while before I recognize myself in the mirror. I've also been eating so much lately (guess who finished an entire jar of Gus' Pickles on his own on the way home from the Lower East Side yesterday?). I wouldn't be surprised if I gain the "Freshman 15" at home this break.

It's off to work on my résumé. And by that I mean play the Sims (I'm addicted again).

Oh, also, a list of adventures to have at school (from what I remember; damn it, I should have written these down sooner):
--Making a fort/shanty town out of cardboard boxes, duct tape, blankets, etc... this we HAVE to do. (Also, possibly an igloo)
--Scavenger hunt? We could use the RIPTA busses somehow
--Sledding. I'm bringing back inner tubes if I can find them.
--Damn it, what were the other ideas I had? (this will be amended if and when I remember... I know there was a theme party on the list but I can't remember the theme...)
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
16 December 2004 @ 04:27 am
...um, right. ignore the title. it's almost 4:30 in the morning, I've been studying chem for about 12 hours now (on and off, so maybe 10 total), I'm in Vani's floor's lounge, so I don't really know any of the people here, I'm flipping out because I realize how little of the material I know, I'm exhausted, and yet... one recurrent thought... in a little more than 12 hours... I will be done for the semester. NO MORE work after tonight. It's one thing that's keeping me going.

Right about now is when I question myself. Do I really want to be a chem major if I can't understand the bloody stuff, most of which we covered in Chem AP? How was I so much smarter in 11th grade? Perhaps it's the pot smoke lingering in the air from someone on the floor. Perhaps I'm past my prime? ugh. I don't know. stupid, stupid, stupid.

My linguistics final was awful. One sample question: "Why is the English language unlikely to have a verb 'blim' such that, 'Frank blimmed Steve' means 'Steve scratched Frank's face.'" Reading the question so quickly, I didn't notice that the names were reversed; this is not a likely verb in English because the object-subject roles are reversed. Instead I bullshitted something about how hopelessly specific it all was.

I am a failure at life. I can't even make instant Thai noodles (directions: heat water. soak noodles in water. drain water. add flavoring packet.) Somehow I managed to fuck up the whole soaking part. I don't know. Gaah.

Dear Niels Bohr model, chemical kinetics, hydrogen, Lewis structures, pi bonds, et al,
Fuck you.

I have spent 9 minutes too many writing this entry.

PS: Alex, if you're reading this: Thanks for the "pep talk." It really did make me feel better... I'm just too stressed out. And Vani, thanks for answering my myriad questions.
Current Mood: stressedstressed
15 December 2004 @ 12:28 am
Perusing old entries from my xanga (circa last December to May 2004) made me realize that college has changed me. Specifically, I have less of a sense of humor and am doing a lot less with my time.

I have my linguistics final in about eight and a half hours and so far I still have not done the all-encompassing mega-review I planned. At this point I'm pretty much about to just print out the lecture notes and go to bed. I mean, I do understand at least a good portion of the material. People came by Arnold (or Bronson 2; I was there briefly) and "studied at me," as in, they spouted off their knowledge and asked me if it was right. Unable to say otherwise, I said "that makes sense." I'm stressed out because I wasn't stressed enough to study.

Interestingly, today I have had two of the only really fulfilling, interesting conversations I've had an a while. Both when I should have been studying but was doing other things, like going to the Gate or sitting on the floor of the Bronson 2 lounge.

Alright. After I suck at this exam tomorrow I have to really study my ass off for chemistry. I really need to figure this stuff out. Right now it's a mess of symbols and I feel very intimidated. I have so many questions...

My sister called me. We're having a "Jewish Christmas Party" again this year, only this time we're going to attempt to make Chinese food. Oh yeah. I'm actually sort of excited. I do wonder whatever happened to our "pin the yalmulke on the Santa" game...

I'm actually pretty excited to go home. Finals blow. I fear, though, that I'm going to get so bored by the end of five weeks.

Sigh. Did I mention I'm most worried that I won't wake up for the final?


Oh man. It was the perfect pictoral representation of college life. There I am, holding the hole puncher in one hand, trying to punch holes in my printed lecture notes for the final, while, with the other hand, wolfing down popcorn. Popcorn's spilling all over the floor, the little hole punchings are everywhere, and I'm cursing myself because I only have 7 hours left before the final.

My strategy to allay my fears is to binge on food. In the space of ten minutes, I ate two muffins, a whole bag of popcorn, drank a quart of orange juice (I typed "quark" first by accident... that would be, like, no orange juice at all) and some water. And then Jimmy called and asked if I wanted to go to Jo's to get more food... I declined the offer, though, because of all the work I have to do and because of how much I ate. Ugh. I feel sick now.
Current Mood: worriedworried
13 December 2004 @ 08:53 pm
My iTunes playlist (which is my entire library on iTunes because I generally don't put the effort into making playlists) started playing "Hotel California." And, sitting here, spacing out in front of the computer, I was reminded of a nightmare I had ages ago. I think it was during my first winter in New Jersey. In my nightmare, I was staying with my great-grandparents somewhere in California (they never lived there, but in the dream they did). The song played over and over in the dream. We were in a very bleak room. They gave me a pair of boots and sent me out to play in the snow, which was falling in the shape and size of bricks. There was no one around except for a kid named Charlie (who was basically the same as some kid who hated me, only with a different name). And that's all. Everything was grey, white, brown and black. Dull and boring. I tried to fall asleep but the song wouldn't let me.

I wonder why people remember things. I also remember being very scared of California after I had that dream, and I really don't know why. I had been there maybe two or three times before (my dad used to go there on business trips a lot and, when I was younger, we went with him) and the entire time I was terrified, because I thought there would be an earthquake. I remember being four years old and sitting in a restaurant that had bowls with elephants at the bottom of them and hiding under the table when I heard what I thought was the rumbling of an earthquake (it was a truck passing by). I never wanted to go back to California again.

And when I went there this past April (or was it May?) I was hit by a sort of "culture shock" (for lack of a better word). I can't find the exact words because Xanga is being a putz but basically I realized how hopelessly uptight I am. I felt uncomfortable, too intense, unable to appreciate anything. In short, I felt like I didn't belong.

Now sometimes I think I made the wrong decision. I should have looked more at colleges on the West Coast. Is New England right for me? Every time I go to Boston I feel constrained, judged and like a complete outsider. When I visit I feel like I'm just one of the far too many college students in Boston. Providence is fine; I rather like the city but it's so small and I don't know if I could spend much more than four years here. Most of the time Brown is absolutely awesome... and sometimes I can see myself living in Providence for longer than just college (assuming I don't leave the country) (to bolster this, I took the findyourspot quiz and one of my top results was Providence). But it's bleak and cold, and, while I like the snow... I don't know.

I don't know. But now I'm listening to "California Dreaming."

...in other news, I've accomplished absolutely nothing today. I need to stop musing about the future and instead just focus on the present. The present is two finals. Two finals, both for which I am incredibly screwed. I woke up far too late today and should go to bed early enough to start getting back into a routine so that I will be able to take my 9 AM linguistics final Wednesday.

If I were a Sim, I would have my "social" bar in the red. To clarify, I feel very alone. I haven't really seen anyone at all lately; I've been living behind the computer.

Current Mood: moodyuninspired